Belong

It's the title of a dance piece I saw recently by Bangarra Dance Theatre.
It's only now, as I get closer to the time when The Lump is to be removed that I sense the need to 'belong' is so fundamentally deep that I can hardly function in anything other than, the tribe I know.


Longing. To Be-long, not short of anything least of all love.
Knowing that I am that with them, gives me form and strength.
No surprise that exile is the harshest of punishments.
Hard to understand why splits are ubiquitous.
Being alone with the longing.


They tell you the statistical risk of something going wrong,
You hear about the super bugs that crawl the walls in hospitals,
You are made to understand what will happen,
The size and selection of of  muscle groups to be removed,
The blood I will need from, 'God bless them' other people.


Maybe it's because, 'going under the knife' marks a reference among the birthdays and public holidays.
The inner preparation is not the same as ironing a shirt and making lunch.
This is one date where I belong and those who do too, gather.
What is more important than family, in any language or culture?
What is more important than the sound and confident strumming of hearts?


I'm going to ask the surgeon to take photographs and I guess I will want to place them in this space.
Not something for the sqeamish I suspect. 
I was asleep on the couch recently and woke gazing at my pulse in the crook of my arm throbbing gently as it does all the time.  It's that it pumps day and night and in all those times when I have no awareness of its work that I am grateful for its routine determination.  And it is in me, with me, I am it and it is me and yet I see it as a pump serving me but I am the pump, I am the backbeat I cannot loose.  

Chemical Bros

When the healing stops and the wound is healed a new set of chemicals flush through the body.  The healing process is notable because it feels like being inside a blanket or wanting to be, wrapped up and tired, resting, warm and without any drive to get up, go out, make out or even ride the bike.  Apart from the pain, healing is a gentle, nurturing time. I found it doesn't help or feel right to be doing too much.  I have a very busy job and staying with work was a combination of stressful, and enervating.  At its best, healing is a good time to give thanks and be at peace.

I felt clearly the contrast between healing and healed.  After a time the cells damaged by radiation healed and a new flush of chemicals began to flow.  As I mount by bike once again for the commute to work I can feel the thigh re grouping, making new connections.  Gradually over the last few days I have felt the awesome joy of being alive in Melbourne in the Spring rain and the traffic.   This new energetic force is easily capable of being busy. What ever the chemistry of wellness, its certainly different to healing.  When I laugh out loud, love large, dance or ride my bike the mix of chemicals in the lubricants that keep the thing pumping is not the same as the healing body. What an awesome cocktail of responsive chemicals.

I look now toward the the healing associated with the void created by removal of the 'Lump'.  The unzipping of my thigh will take some time to zip up.